Sister(hood)

You always wanted to be the center of it all, even if that meant pushing others to the side. You were the sun in the center of your own universe. I was the opposite of you, your karmic foil, dark and quiet, content in the shadows, playing quietly – everything you weren’t, and you hated me for that.

I was the forgotten one, pushed aside, never in the sun.  Why did you hate me? I didn’t even encroach upon your warm, sunny garden. I liked my shadows, and I kept them to myself.  I see now, you had to hate me to survive. How could a quiet girl such as me, content to climb trees and read books, exist in your universe which depended on attention and accolades. You couldn’t understand my quiet peace, my calmness without attention, so you had to try to shatter it.  I see now, it was you that should have been pitied.

As a child, you did childish things. But, I expect better of an adult.  

Here, in adulthood, you try again to push me aside into the shadows where you think I belong, keep the sun from my face, it’s rays from my spirit, to absorb all the light unto yourself as if no one else deserved it but you… as if the sun belonged only to you, like a single plant without an ecosystem.

But, I stepped from your shadow long ago and know, now, the feeling of the sun on my face, the warmth, the love that exists, the rays from a sun sent to all of us in the human ecosystem. It isn’t only for you, sister. It is for all of us — the blue bird and the raven — the dandelion and the rose. The sun shines for all of us, casting different rays and different understandings, all profound.

I think of you in those days, blonde and charming, but so ugly inside…and, now, the you of adulthood, trying to push me into the corner again.  Oh no, sister, that sunlight is for me, too!  I have felt it and swallowed it. It is now within me, a part. You can’t ever block it from me again. I can bask in it even in the darkest night. And, you will continue to stand in the center of it all, a sun in the center of your own universe, thicker and grayer, demanding attention that no one will give, love that will not satisfy you, and gnash your teeth in jealousy and wonder at why I’m smiling and glow from within, knowing you can’t, no one can, take that from me. And, you still will not understand.

As for me, during those times in life when the light hits my face, I will act as a mirror. I will reflect the light to the darkest corners, into the farthest shadows, like a prism splintering light in all colors and in all directions…. even far enough to reach you, sister. I’ve learned not to hoard the light and try to capture it for myself, but to share it, when it comes my way with the others huddled, unseen, in the corners like weeds. I’ve learned this from you, my sister, my karmic foil. I learned, by living so many years in the shadow of you, who did not reflect nor share the light, that even weeds need sunlight. In some way, I have you to thank for this knowledge.

There are many stars in the galaxy, each with their own beauty. It depends on how close one is as to how brightly the light appears to shine. But, shine they all do, in all their magnificence and glory. Each is their own sun, yet to others a speck in a telescopic lens.  Together we form galaxies and universes, mysteries yet to be discovered, yet we fight to shine brightest in a sky that would be dark without us. We aim to be a tree whose roots do not depend on the soil and the other plants that help feed it.

Oh sister, I will not try to dim your light. And you, you, do not dare to try to dim mine… for I will fight to keep my flame lit even if it means closing my eyes and going deep inside to its embers where no one can douse the flame.

And, I will shine on and continue to grow like the wild rose that I am.

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